seasons

Scarves, boots, and jeans

PUMPKIN scones, spice lattes, and cupcakes

Beautiful JMU trees

s e a s o n   o f   f a l l

I love each season for what it brings. But fall's seasonal food&drinks, breathtaking colors, and crisp coolness all bundle into one big ball of joy for me! When Nina asked if she could send me any holiday-ish things, I asked for a seasonal Starbucks cup or napkins... what? I don't even drink coffee, but I love what fall brings to it! The next season here is the dry season during America's winter months. It speaks for itself: dry, hot, and even more dusty. While some of you will be having snow dustings, we'll be having dust dustings over here (=

Soo I've been living vicariously through my computer to get my fall fix. I can surprisingly get a decent fall dose through Foodgawker, Pinterest, Facebook pictures, and some commercial websites (Target, Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts...) As much as I want to jump into the screen to feel the crispness or smell pumpkin spice, my heart is so content as I lift my eyes and take in what I see: bright green trees exuding life, yellow flowers on a vine peaking over our tin 'wall' from our neighbors, and the hot sun baking the string of beads our women just varnished. I have had 21 Virginia falls; it's time for Uganda's! 

s e a s o n   o f   w a i t i n g

Christine was a volunteer before me at Zion Project over the summer. I've been talking with her and sharing different struggles (and silly stories!) that she can so closely identify with. Her words and prayers reach my heart so effectively. Lately I've been sharing how I have been getting frustrated with myself for the lack of connection with the women. How are you supposed to build on a relationship when the main way (verbal communication) is taken away from you? He's how. She urged me to cry out the same prayer she petitioned, "Lord, may the women and I develop relationships with connections that go deeper than words. Will you allow our spirits to communicate?" 

I desire deeper relationships. But I'm finding out that when I want to see things happening may not be aligned with His timing. I may have skipped a season or two when I envision where I want to be with them. Ultimately I know that having this season of waiting will make the future seasons much more fruitful. How can I expect them to trust a mzungu that just waltzes into their lives right away and forget the hardships and trust that was disoriented in their past? It takes time and a building of foundation. It's kind of like a TV show. You may want to jump ahead and watch season 3 because you see other people already there; but without watching seasons 1 or 2, season 3 just won't make quite as much sense.

s e a s o n  o f  U g a n d a

Knowing that my time in Uganda is a season in and of itself is a firm reminder and a passion igniter. My dear friend, Sarah, returned to the U.S. recently. While it was difficult to say goodbye, I am ecstatic for her next season of rest and eating yummy food. Sarah leaving reminded me that I won't be in Zion Project or Uganda forever. But for this specific time God has let me share life with the women, children, staff, and locals. It is my prayer that I don't miss out on ONE thing He's intended for me here. What a sweet season it is.

I pray hearing from Him is  n e v e r  just a season

I have been so hungry for fruit. [not like bananas or pineapples - which are going out of season! NO!!] But the fruit that comes from the Holy Spirit. I want to know more about His voice and what it sounds like. I've been spending some time meditating in the mornings. It is truly an achievement to quiet my mind without a to-do list or question I want to ask Him popping up, or laughing from hearing Stephen's backpack rattling because he's running to hop on the boda to school. But once He does get even just 3 minutes of my undivided attention, He uses it. The loudest thing I've heard from Him was to "let love lead". Sometimes He speaks to me in aliteration. Right before senior year He told me, "plant your passion in different pastures"...

Welp. These red dirt roads of Uganda are pretty different, if you ask me! So I've been praying to let love lead. Let love lead my actions, words, decisions, interactions, dispositions. Let love lead fear, anxiety, self-condemnation and lies right out of my heart/mind. God is love (1 John 4:8) & I want to let Him lead.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for everything under the heavens." 

Ecclesiastes 3:1

**that verse was told to Aunty Kevin by our girl Naome as she was crying while say bye to Sarah.

HAPPY EARLY THANKSGIVING! 

gifts

A little over a year ago, my beautiful family and I traveled to Florida to be apart of and witness the incredible wedding of Steph & Shannon. I'm starting off with this picture 1) because I miss each of them more than imaginable, and 2) because I'm thinking of the employee, Sean at the hotel we stayed at. Remember how we thought Sean reminded us of the character Ramone in the movie The Proposal? Sean filled every position in the hotel: receptionist, pool tender, towel runner, chauffeur, maintenance ... and many more. All with a smile, I might add.  Now this a stretch here, but lately I’m realizing how God is my ‘Sean’. He’s always been a God of many hats, but that is proving so true to me here. So far, the Lord has been my . . .

• Musician who sings me to sleep with His truths
• Guard when my eyes are closed once I do fall asleep
• Protector when I’m awake
•  Shield when I ride a boda; and guider of the boda when we fall
•  Weatherman when I’m in need of a cool breeze
•  Best friend to talk to 
• Disinfector of my toothbrush right after a cockroach had just crawled around it
• Doctor when I couldn’t get help right away for my burn; and for my eye when I forgot my drops in the US
• GPS in learning this town
• Stylist in the morning (yes… I do ask Him what I should wear for the day and for Him to do my hair sometimes. What... you don't?)   (;
• Cook when I’ve prayed to love every bite of food I take
•  Computer technician when I need a better connection to Skype with my friends and family
• Teacher in learning my position here
• Electrician when we need power

A God of many hats.
He is my  e v e r y t h i n g

You're welcome to put a little

Michael Buble sound to that  

gifts.gifts.gifts. 

Before I give someone a gift my excitement is nearly through the roof. I get all sorts of jittery like a ping pong ball was set off inside of me and hitting every pocket of "eeek!! (= " possible. To continue with the wedding theme, I'll give an example of my inability to contain my excitement during that time. 

I studied abroad in Italy last summer and picked out gifts for my family, including things for Steph & Shannon as they were about to enter their new married season! The items were supposed to be wedding gifts, but I was just too dang excited! Soo I caved the first time I saw her and gave them to Steph the night she landed in London. Woops...  

having a hot pad made for them in Perugia, Italy 

final product!

I wonder if the Lord gets any more excited than He already is right before we receive a gift from Him. Does He wait in anticipation, kneeling down, hands rubbing together and wide eyed as we see the gift, pull loose the ribbon and unwrap it? God has emotions too - shoot, who do we think we got them from? But do His fluctuate like ours do?

I know His LOVE does not budge one ounce. But He feels when we mourn, have joy, and suffer. He's not some monotone dude just sitting way up at a distance with one hand pressed up against His cheek in boredom and the other waving a magic wand directing a play down here. He is ALIVE! So I wonder, does His excitement heighten when we are about to receive His gifts? 

I have been the receiving many gifts since my time here in Uganda, but a couple in particular stand out to me in the past week.

1. Because students at the University near the rescue home were rioting on Friday, all 17 girls came to our place after school instead of risking tear gas and bullets. The night was filled with Elf, coloring, and a mass production of delicious mac 'n cheese by Sarah. We put out mattresses that were stored in the office on the ground in the living room. The two smallest girls, Gloria and Charlie, slept in the extra bed in my room. After making sure most of the older girls were 'asleep' I quietly crept into my room knowing the little ones had already passed out.

One thing I miss about home 

is sneaking into my little sisters' room when they were asleep. 

There is something about hearing a little one breathing while they've surrendered all to their exhaustion. 

As I stepped into my room I was met with just that. I stopped in my tracks and had to smile. I lit my candle and made as little noise as possible getting ready for bed. I forgot how precious little ones sleeping breaths are. I could tell which one was Gloria and which was Charlie. Needless to say, I didn't use my earplugs that night but fell asleep to two sweet creations.

2. My second golden gift from Him was on Sunday. I was able to see 7 beautiful faces on my computer! In the morning I skyped with Halie, Michelle, Jiwon & Laura before they went on their color run. They took me to Michelle's house, Bagel Shop, and DC once they got there! It was great to see bits of Ashburn/DC but WONDERFUL to see their bright faces, hear their voices, and all the craziness that comes with them.

In the evening I had a google hangout with the Berry Patch! Haley, Alex & Jenn were all on! We got to catch up on each others lives and share much needed laughs. I miss doing life with them! I have been missing home a lot recently, and He knew that was just the dose I needed.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights..." James 1:17

A N N E   G R A H A M 

This past Tuesday a few Zion Project staff and I had the wonderful opportunity to hear Anne Graham (Billy Graham’s daughter) speak. She was not in the city of Kampala, but right here in the town of Gulu! There were probably 200+ church leaders, organization members, and missionaries who went. I was one of maybe 15 mzungus (white people) there. 

When it came time for praise and worship, the talented leader sang a few songs in English, then a few in Swahili & Acholi. While I loved the English songs, I was captivated when we sang in another language. From doing morning devotion with the women I knew a handful of songs. During some of them I just had to close my eyes and smile. 

I thought, ‘this has to be a glimpse of heaven’. In heaven we will worship our King as ONE; not divided by tribe, class, color, or continent. My mind continues to wonder what that really will sound, look, and feel like. 

It's all unimaginable.

mr. chickedy

Last Thursday Christine and I traveled to Kampala via Post Bus. On our way, distress came upon Christine as she remembered she forgot to bring the chicken for her niece in Kampala! Not a cooked chicken… a full-grown, living, feathered, breathing chicken. We had a few stops along our 5 hour journey. When I say ‘stops’, I mean the bus literally just stopped in the middle of the road. People come running up to the bus holding long sticks to reach the windows with baskets at the top and their said product inside: sodas, lemons, cassava, peanuts, beans, roasted bananas (SO GOOD), and live chickens! Well the chickens weren’t on a stick, but they were held upside down and way up high. Christine reached out of the window, paid the man, brought that live thing in and tucked it at her feet! Praise the Lord she had the window seat so Mr. Chickedy was not on the other side next to me.

Me: “So does that thing move around?”

Christine: “Sometimes, yes. Would you like to touch it?”

I quickly shook my head and politely said no.

I was worried if Mr. Chickedy would so much as brush up against my foot with a feather my instant reflex would be to punt him to the front of the bus. Thank God it didn’t… but for some reason we found it had slid up about 7 seats ahead of us by the end of the trip. When Christine said she’d “pick one up on along the way”, I most certainly didn’t think that’s what she meant! haha! This country surprises and teaches me daily. 

On my trips to and from Kampala I was sitting in the middle/back of the bus. This was a different experience than when I first came here, sitting in the passenger seat of a car. My heart would jump each time we had to pass a car and swerve from a pothole simultaneously, inching us closer and closer to the oncoming vehicle. If you know me well, you know I am the WORST backseat/shotgun driver EVER. I get super nervous when others are driving and opt to sit in the back when I can [except for with a few select drivers!(; ] Sitting in the middle/back of the bus disenabled me to see what’s next on the road until it came up to my window. I was much calmer that way. I smell a lesson here..    

The Lord doesn’t let me see too far ahead in life at points because it’d scare the bejeebiz out of me.

Por ejemplo: I began thinking I was going to Uganda for just 3 months. After a bit, I told my co-leader at the time, Rachel Downey, that I felt the Lord pulling me towards 5 or 6 months. She said He might be showing me a little bit at a time because I’d be overwhelmed if I saw the whole thing at once. She was right! And so was He. He knew I’d freak out if He told me in one sitting that not only would I not be an au pair in France for 3 months, but going to Uganda for 10! 

For some He can covey a message all in one big cake, and others in smaller bites… more like cupcakes. I’m a cupcake kind of girl. It makes my heart glow knowing He has a tailor made way of conveying information, just for me. Like my very own cupcake flavor! (=

I began my journey in Gulu learning to be raw and real with the Lord about how I was feeling in general. I’m now learning to be real with my feelings of all colors towards Him. After some self-reflecting, I realized and confessed that I sometimes think that God has it out for me. I know, I know it sounds weird… but stick with me! Here’s a previous thought bubble of mine: Now that I’ve been more accustomed to life in Gulu and expressed that I love it here… He would say, “YES! Gotchya. Perfect. Stay here forever!” Or that every road I had to take needed to be the hard one. After shedding true light on that lie, I saw how it had bled into so many different aspects. I was tricked into thinking that He had it out for me. Hmm.. I wonder where that idea came from. [I’ll give you a hint. His name starts with an ‘s’ and ends with an ‘atan’].  A few days after I surfaced that thought to Him, I asked for more intimacy with Him. I wanted to know more about Him. I desperately want lies to be dispelled and truths to take center stage. During a quiet time and going through Beth Moore’s James study, I was rocked by this truth: He is incapable of abusing His divine authority over you. He is worthy and holy. Which meant Him ‘having it out for me’ doesn’t line up with the Lord’s character.  Wahoo!                                                                                                                                  S  o     f  r  e  e  i  n  g 

I want every person on earth to know Jesus. I found my desire taking a different angle here because they would experience eternity in a FAR better place than this. Not that America is even a spec of heaven, but life in America is worlds apart from Africa [literally]. With my Americanized mind I often think, gosh I cannot wait until you get to heaven and can live there. Then the big Man gently reminds me that He sent His Son to die so that WE ALL may “have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10). 

I wonder, what does life to the full look like here? You by no means need to live in a first world country to have life to the full. Besides the issue of overpopulation, that would be impossible! But what does it look like for the women who sell to me in the market, or for the children I see walking with water jerrycans balanced perfectly on their heads {truly talented!}, or the boda driver who takes me into town… 

what does their life to the full look like?

I strive to end each day with s t r e t c h i n g and then being before the Lord. I was inspired by Em Curlz (Kacsmar) to try and do the splits again! I have a few stretches that get me closer and closer. I light one of my delicious smelling WoodWick candles from Steph and have at it! Afterwards, I am physically and mentally calmed down and stretched out. I then get on my knees with my face to the ground in child’s pose. The cool tile is the best feeling, as it’s the coolest thing I’ve felt all day. Being on my knees before the Lord is one of the most instant acts of submission, I believe. In order to receive His greater grace (James 4:6) I need to submit to Him. I present things heavy on my heart to Him, or break with tears before Him… but my favorite thing is just be with Him. He’s a simple God. And He loves me. What else is better than that?

"and I will be to her a wall of fire all around, declares the Lord,
and I will be the glory in her midst"
Zechariah 2:5

**Update on the cockroaches: Still here. Working on getting a self-fumigation package. In the meantime… the bottoms of my sandals have become roach-morgues. woof.

PB ice cream & white chocolate shavings

SPOILER ALERT (WARNING): 
THIS POST MAY CONTAIN IMAGES INAPPROPRIATE FOR THOSE WITH WEAK STOMACHES 

(aka. gross bugs)

Aside from the gross bugs... today I will be serving you a few scoops of peanut butter ice cream infused with a serious tone, topped with some lighthearted white chocolate shavings. That would accurately describe my experience here. Each day I learn or see something that burdens my heart cold. The Lord then adds a few silly things here and there to lighten my heart. We’ll start from the bottom of the bowl, and then make our way up.

1st scoop: Jenny

This past Thursday we went for outreach (mentioned in my last post). This time we only went to the hospital. We went intentionally to visit one of our women’s friends, Jenny. We walked into the ward and turned the corner to meet her; my eyes ached. She was basically a skeleton with skin. I have never seen anyone so close to death. Christine asked me to speak hope to her, and then I would pray for her. What I would say would be translated into 2 different languages before it reached Jenny's understanding. I have been nervous before – but this felt like the pre-roller coaster nerves times 12.

What was I supposed to tell to a woman on the brink of death brought on by HIV who was refusing to take any medication, because she didn’t feel as though anyone cares about her?

Nothing. I am to say nothing.

I prayed the Holy Spirit would speak through me, and that’s exactly what happened. As soon as my mouth opened my nerves fled. I remember thinking “Wow. My heart is racing and lips are moving but I don’t even know what I’m saying.” The Lord wanted to speak to her – not me. I pray that she received His love and truth, as we found out yesterday she had passed away.

2nd scoop: Nancy

Sarah had all of the girls try to memorize Romans 12. There were 6 who were able to recite all 21 verses! For their reward, we took them to Uchumi (a store in town) to get a few things with a set amount of money. Some girls got chips, others bread (that’s a treat here), and a few got cookies. While we were in there, a nicely dressed man searched the juice next to us. Nancy, one of our girls, recognizes him and says, “Hello Doctor.” He greets her then turns to me to introduce himself, “I delivered her baby”.

Nancy is 14 and gave birth to Emmy - the baby in the room next to mine, being looked after by Janet - last year. Come to find out, the doctor wasn’t even there during the birth; he just did the prenatal care. Only a few nurses and some of the women from Zion Project were there. 

That’s beside the point.

  A 14 year old just greeted a doctor who treated her during her pregnancy. I was in a store, walking behind a precious jewel of a girl who was taken advantage of by a man. Anger sparked deeper in my heart the more it sunk in.

3rd scoop: STREET KIDS

Sunday I went to a Street Kids meeting with Sarah, who is involved. Street Kids is a group of people who are trying to provide shelter and schooling to kids who live on the street. Some may be orphans, and others have homes but being on the streets is sometimes safer than at home (abuse, etc.) It was one thing when Sarah would tell me about it, but a few of the kids were at the meeting. Some would speak, but there was one (maybe 14 yrs old?) who would keep his head facing the ground with one hand holding it up and the other in his lap when it was his turn to speak. I would try and catch his eye to share a smile with him. The meeting shed light on what happens to these kids while they're on the streets. My heart, again was cracking.

This was the first time I've ever asked the Lord, "God. Where are you?" I was not doubting the Lord, but I was searching for Him. He continued to break my heart through out the meeting. Then it dawned on me: I am at a meeting for an organization hoping to take off that is to bring aid and hope to the street kids. He is here. He is working. It was difficult leaving the meeting, knowing these kids didn't have a home to return to. 

We've made it to the white chocolate shavings (= thanks for stickin' with me! Now for a few helpings of lightheartedness...

* While walking home from dinner one night, Sarah and I were escorted by her Ugandan friend (and my new friend!). We tell him we don't wish to travel through a certain part because it's not safe. He responded with, “All the thugs, they fear me” haha! what!? no they don't. And we continued on the safer path. 

* So we have what you'd call.. a cockroach problemo. While I was searching for my earplugs one night, I flipped my head upside down to look under my bed and was met with this: [please ignore the dust/hair/feather]

Insert gag reflex here.

I left papa roach there partially because I was hoping it'd scare off any others of its kind.. and mostly because I didn't want to touch it (he's still there). My plan didn't work. I have successfully killed off about 4 cockroach families of all sizes. At first I was using my hairspray, then quickly realized I needed to save that. I didn't spy any Paul Mitchell products at Uchumi (; I've decided on my closest flip flop and Doom (spray that kills 'em!) for my best weapons. While killing off my first family, I noticed I was serenading them with the tune of 'Shout' by the Isely Brothers with a swapping of words:

Weeeee-ee-ee-ee-eeee..eeee-llll....

You know you make me want to barf

Kick my heels up and barf

Throw my hands up and barf
Throw my head back and barf
C ' m o n     n o w

We have an agreement, the creatures and I: If you're on the ceiling - you're clear. If you're at eye level or lower - you're fair game. Cockroaches don't tend to be ceiling critters (even 'critter' is too much of an endearing name for them).. so we've had a few blow outs. 

Since then I've found them in my laundry, on the bathroom floor, in the sink, in my bed crawling across my computer screen while skyping with Steph!! I'm sure she got a good laugh while we battled. Last but not least as I reached in my purse to grab my phone at church, and one crawled out on my hand! At least he/she was trying to be holy...

It's gotten better though! Praise God!

[last one, I promise! You all are going to have a sugar high after this]

* Speaking of church, this past Sunday the pastor (American) tried to show how we sometimes believe things even though they aren't true:

 Pastor: “Raise you’re hand if you’ve ever heard that mzungus [white people] can only have two children.” (I was about 1 of 8 other mzungus in there)

People looked around to watch if anyone else would raise their hands. Soon every one of them had courage enough to snicker and raise their hand.

Pastor: “Okay, now keep them raised if you believe that.”

I was suurre some people would put their hands down. But laughter exuded from each of them as they all proudly kept their hands raised!!

Pastor: “What?! How can you believe that? I have FOUR children!”

Richard (from congregation): “You learn from us!”

I was shocked and belly laughing at this point. Apparently they really do believe we can only have 2 children! hahah!!

Well I hope you enjoyed your full helping of PB ice cream and white chocolate shavings (=

sandy

"Auntie, Auntie!! Come look at the bird!" 

I was barely in the girls home and I already had 4 of them rushing me to see the bird (it took me a while to understand when they said 'bird'.. but I'm learning the accent!) They pull me into a room, then point me to the outside porch. My eyes automatically look up in the trees to find this bird.

"No Auntie.. on the ground!!" 

This was probably the hardest I've laughed since being here. They caught a bird! Not just any bird.. but Sandy (yep.. that's what they named it). After trying to convince them to let Sandy go, they proceeded to tell me they're going to eat it! And that's just what they did! I went to their home last night and asked where Sandy was. 

"He died." 

Did you eat Sandy? That was answered with shameless smiles and head nods. 

Afosina (left) and Charlie (right) excited to show off Sandy! 

Mercy is making sure to fatten Sandy up with water and milk (=

I cannot believe today marks 3 weeks of me living in Gulu! Time has flown by (a little faster than our friend Sandy.. unfortunately). Everyday I am getting more and more used to life here. My heart has been touched by the women/staff/locals and I am so thankful that He's placed me in Gulu. I am captivated by His beauty here.

In my last post, I mentioned the fear that was residing in me. We've (meaning me and God) worked on it since then - not to perfection, but great progress (= By plucking out any root of fear within me, I now have room for my trust in Him to grow. He cares about me more than I do. Many times I forget that. I rest in His sweet truth that "... You alone, Oh Lord, make me to dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8) I am given the Holy Spirit to dress myself with through out the bright sunny day and wrap myself up in by the cool nights before I rest. He can take better care of me than I can, when I think fearing is the right thing to do. (what a refreshing relief!) 

I'm hesitant to fall in love with Gulu for the risk that I might want to stay here past June. Every uncertainty/hesitation has something better: TRUTH. In this case, it's true that the Lord will reveal to me the desires of His heart for me when the time is ready. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34) aka.. don't worry about 9 months later, either! I pray that my heart will align with His, and I know He desires what is best.

Prayer. Support. Sacrifice. Love. I have never experienced each of these to this extent ever. My family, friends, and people whom I've never met have been supporting me "... above all I could ever ask or imagine"(Ephesians 3:20). One of the factors that kept me from applying to volunteer with Zion Project was my family. I didn't want to leave them for so long and miss out on everything going on. I dreaded the thought of being updated from a distance. The Lord graciously lead me to another nugget of truth: 

"... Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand more." (Luke 12:48) 

and for me, those were my loved ones. I was given SO much when the Lord created them. It's funny how the one thing holding me back from wanting to go is now a catalyst for my sustained health, faith, and safety all through prayer. He equipped me with the most incredible family and lead me to the most wonderful friends FOR THIS JOURNEY. I am so blessed.

OUTREACH

Last Wednesday, Christine (one of the staff members) and I went for outreach. This is supposed to be a time when we go with all of the women to travel into communities and hospitals and pray over people. Since a lot of the women were sick, we traveled to their community to pray over them. They live in grass-roofed mud huts (called the slums), and most live near one another because all but one are Congolese. Before visiting, Christine and I went to the hospital to see one of her friends. It was the first hospital I've been to here, and I wasn't sure what to expect. Christine had told me she was 'scissored', which made me cringe - but I know she meant she had surgery. I'll tell you one thing, I was NOT expecting to be met with the most beautiful 22 year old girl in a hospital bed when we entered her room. She had just had her appendix taken out and was recovering. Mariam's smile was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and her cheeks were glowing. Although her smile was weak... it sure was breathtaking. I prayed over her as Christine interpreted. I had to pray for strength to get through it without crying. 

We then walked on to where our women live. We met about 4 of our women in their homes, and we ran into a couple people we had relations with. I again had the opportunity to pray over each of them with Christine's wonderful translation.

I had been asking for my eyes to see what He sees. 

And for my heart to be broken for what breaks His.

My eyes were filling with tears through out all of outreach. Seeing their living conditions and receiving their prayer requests couldn't have been described as making me 'sad'. My heart was genuinely b r e a k i n g. The thing that boggles my mind, is how the Lord pours so much love out of a broken heart. 

My eyes and heart got a little taste of what He sees/feels. I was overwhelmed and had to keep blinking a lot to soak up my tears and keep them from running down. 
I bet one or two of you know what I'm talking about there 

Our second to last visit was with a couple of women who didn't work with us. One of them had a few extra additions to her family because they had no where else to go. She pointed to her mud hut to explain one the children was in there. As I turned around, out ran the little boy chasing a plastic bag in the wind. He came over to greet us but didn't talk. When he greeted me, he didn't let go of my hand. He didn't look at me either.. but he held on to my hand. I was soon holding his one tiny hand with both of mine. His frame was so small and hands were so fragile. My heart again.. sweetly broken.

DEVOTION

This past week I also had the opportunity to stay at the girls home for their devotion they have every night. Sheesh - as if outreach wasn't moving enough, I found myself in a room filled with 17 girls praising our Savior with closed eyes, raised hands, shuffling feet, swaying hips, and one incredible beat dropped by Veronica (one of the girls) on their drum. Hearing their free voices singing brought on more tears. When it was time to pray, they all prayed at once. There is something about listening to 17 precious girls' prayers quietly pouring out of their mouths that all repeatedly started with "Baba, asante". I don't know much Swahili, but I have learned that means "Father, thank you..." My heart was tenderly broken, again.

Bite size kid stories of the week: 

- Welp. I scared my first kid! While walking through the slums for outreach, I had walked past a little girl who couldn't have been older than 2. She took one look at me and horror was written all over her face. She screamed and raannn to her mama's side! While I felt terrible for scaring her with my skin color, I was appreciating the comic relief. (=

- I also had my first little one fall asleep in my arms. Dear little baby Sarita. I was watching her and Stephen while their mom went to the clinic. She was resting in my lap and before I knew it I felt her breath be more steady and softer than before. My heart was melting. 

- I had my first hug from a random little girl! Her mom had seen me in the distance as I was walking to a boda, and because I was white and a girl, she automatically referred to me as Auntie. Her name was Stella, and her daughter's name was Patience. I knelt down and swung my arms wide open as Stella said "give auntie a hug!" Patience was maybe 2 years old and just the most precious thing!

My prayer: to fiercely love without reserve. 

Love the women. Love the girls. Love the staff. Love this town. 

WITHOUT RESERVE  

an audience of One

Tonight I found myself leaving a hotel on the back of a boda who I just met a few days ago (Loca, you'll hear more about him below) having just met the US Ambassador in Uganda  ... looking up at the star-filled sky on a cool night and actually familiar with the way to get home. 

God is good.
                                       All the time.
                                                                                   And all the time.

God is good.

I cannot believe it's already been over a week and a half since I've arrived! I am feeling much better than when I last posted. Things are still challenging, but I am steadily finding my ground here. I am getting more familiar with the town and how to live here. I can physically feel my faith pushing past its limits - and boy is it a work out! I try to express my feelings in analogies (I know Maceface feels me on that one!) to my friends and family. I feel like the past week I have been rock climbing. But instead of having a physical harness keeping me from falling, I have the Lord. There has always been the 'just in case' comfort of safety/stability in my heart and around me. While practically everything is stripped from me, I am able to need the Lord more than I ever have before. And I've learned to cherish and embrace that.

Steph (older sister) told me the other day that I have an audience of ONE. And that is Him. I have truly struggled with others' thoughts of me and performing properly. He gracefully revealed that to me this summer and is happy to scrape it off my heart and replace it with truth. Knowing that He is my only audience restores truth in my heart. I am not performing for others but living for Him. How I live over here, interact with the women/children/staff/locals - is all for Him. How I serve - is all for Him. And the best part? He's not a sneaky critic. He will let me know HIS expectations for me. Not my expectations of what I should be feeling/doing.. or anybody else's. Another truth He is reminding me of: He is SIMPLE. I get so wrapped up in lofty thoughts or theological questions which I rattle off to Him at a rate like I haven't spoken in years. I wonder if He thinks, 'goodness girl - slow down!'


God is a God of transformation. I am transforming right now, and I can feel it. I quickly feel the need to write down all of what I'm feeling/transforming into because I never want to forget it.. did you catch what I just did there? I'm negating the transformation. By feeling the need to jog my memory by reading it on a paper completely lacks confidence in what the Lord did through the transformation .. TRANSFORM ME. I still write to process things, but He will lead me in it. He will permanently transform me. I yearn to have each action be a reaction to the continual transformation from the grace of the Gospel.

Another thing He is surfacing in my heart/mind and wishes to scrape away is my fear. Fear is crippling and drives many unwanted emotions and thoughts that only make the enemy happy - who wants to do that? uh.. not me. (= By ridding myself of fear I reveal previously unrecognized potential. 

If I could describe my experience here so far in a picture.. it'd be this one. This summer marked the first that Faith was able to go off the diving board at the pool! Of course she had seen many people do it, but there's nothing like jumping off into deep waters surrendering all.

Since I have a larger audience of readers for my blog.. here are some stories/tidbits from the past week:

* Wednesday I was able to learn from Flora, one of the women with Zion Project, (she speaks english pretty well!) how to roll a certain type of bead. It was wonderful just to sit and be with the women, even if our words were few. My heart is settling in (=

* I live in the guesthouse with Sarah and Janet. Janet has two precious ones of her own (Stephen and Sarita) and is temporarily watching a littler one (Emmanuel/Emmy) until he is adopted. Sarita can't speak as much, but Stephen's mouth can run! However, I don't understand a lick of what he's saying unless he wants my attention and says "Auntie Auntie!" So I tossed speaking human language out the window and now communicate with him in animals noises. It goes like this:

me "meeeoowww"

him "meeeooowww"

me "oink oink!!"

 him "oink..." and is then interrupted by his contagious laughter.

   

Works out nicely, don'tchya think?

Just chillen with the rooms (Stephen in my stunnashades)

* Kids will point and shout or whisper "mzungu! mzungu!" which means white person. Some will reach out their hands just to touch you. I feel like part celebrity and part (bigger part) alien. (which Faith calls me when the Skype connection isn't the greatest)

* I was riding with Loca (the boda driver mentioned above) on Wednesday to get to the rescue home. Now, I don't normally try to hold a conversation while riding because: I'm mainly focusing on holding ON (but getting used to using that time for an ab workout to sit up straight and stay on) + the wind makes it hard for me to hear them + even when I CAN hear them, sometimes it's difficult for me to understand them =  lack of conversing. We are almost to the rescue home when Loca says:

"Why you no happy?"

"I am happy! Why do you think that?"

"You're not talking.. I want you to be happy like I am happy!"

Alright confession - here is why I wasn't talking. Sarah and I had just watched an episode of Once Upon a Time while we waited for the tropical downpour to pass... annnnd Prince Charming was dancing around my thoughts. What a stud! Now I know it's not good for my heart to dwell on things like that, so I started praying for MY prince charming. Yeah.. sound weird? Welcome to the world of my brain. Instead of daydreaming of a fictional character, I tried to spend my thoughts on praying for a REAL character that will soon come in some chapter of my fairy tale. 

Sorry Loca! I am happy! Promise!

* I have eggs for breakfast, beans and posho normally for lunch, and Sarah has been cooking wonderful food for dinner! Recently I've been able to make a nutella banana melt (go figure.. the first thing I make is a dessert), pb banana  yogurt smoothie, and avocado pasta! 

Simple

Sarah ahead of us on our way to the girl's home!

(more pictures to come on facebook!)

Remember when I said I was praying to be 80% funded by my departure? Welp.. guess who was OVER 80% FUNDED BY THEN?! That's right. This girl right here. So here's what I think - God is strong. We all know this. But I think sometimes God wants to flex His muscles. He's got muscles, but He is a gentleman who will wait to be asked to flex them. He's not showing off, but yet showing US His power.

"and we know that in ALL things God works for the Good of those who LOVE Him, who have been called according into His purpose" - Romans 8:28